Your Exgirlfriend Asking
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Funny jokes
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latest Jokes 2012
The work week
Always give 100% at work.......
12% on Monday
23% on Tuesday
40% on Wednesday
20% on Thursday
5% on Fridays
Lets face it English is a stupid language.
There is no egg in the eggplant
No ham in the hamburger
And neither pine nor apple in the pineapple.
English muffins were not invented in England
French fries were not invented in France.
We sometimes take English for granted
But if we examine its paradoxes we find that
Quicksand takes you down slowly
Boxing rings are square
And a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
If writers write, how come fingers don‘t fing.
If the plural of tooth is teeth
Shouldn‘t the plural of phone booth be phone beeth
If the teacher taught,
Why didn‘t the preacher praught.
If a vegetarian eats vegetables
What the heck does a humanitarian eat?
Why do people recite at a play
Yet play at a recital?
Park on driveways and
Drive on parkways
How can the weather be as hot as hell on one day
And as cold as hell on another
You have to marvel at the unique lunacy
Of a language where a house can burn up as
It burns down
And in which you fill in a form
By filling it out
And a bell is only heard once it goes!
English was invented by people, not computers
And it reflects the creativity of the human race
(Which of course isn‘t a race at all)
That is why
When the stars are out they are visible
But when the lights are out they are invisible
And why it is that when I wind up my watch
It starts
But when I wind up this poem
It ends.
SIXTH SENSE
Two cowboys came upon an Indian lying on his stomach with his ear to the ground.
One of the cowboys stops and says to the other, "You see that Indian?"
"Yeah," says the other cowboy.
"Look," says the first one, "He's listening to the ground. He can hear things for miles in any direction."
Just then the Indian looks up. "Covered wagon," he says, "About two miles away. Have two horses, one brown, one white. Man, woman, child, furniture in wagon ..."
"Incredible!" says the cowboy to his friend. "This Indian knows how far away they are, how many horses, what color, what's in the wagon -- just amazing!"
The Indian looks up and says, "Ugh ... not amazing ... wagon ran ... over me ... 30 minutes ago!"
THE DRUG BUST
The phone rings at Federal Drug Enforcement Agency headquarters.
"Hello?"
"Hello, is this the Federal Drug Enforcement Agency?"
"Yes. What can we do for you?"
"I'm calling to report my neighbor Tom. He is hiding cocaine in his firewood."
"Thank you, this will be noted."
Next day, the Drug Enforcement agents come over to Tom's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept, break every piece of wood, find no cocaine, swear at Tom and leave.
The phone rings at Tom's house. "Hey, Tom! Did the Federal Drug Enforcement guys come by?"
"Yeah!"
"Did they chop your firewood for you?"
"Yeah, they did."
"Okay, now it's YOUR turn to call. I need my garden plowed."
All The Details....
A little woman called "Mount Sainai" Hospital. She said "Mount Sainai Hospital? Hello, Dearie. I'd like to talk with the person who gives the information about the patients. But I don't want to know if the patient is better or doing like expected, or worse. I want all the information from top to bottom, soup to nuts, from A to Z."
The voice on the other line said, "Would you hold the line please, that's quite an unusual request."
Then a very authoritative voice came on and said, "Are you the lady who is calling about one of the patients?"
She said, "Yes, dearie! Thank you! Now, I'd like to know the information about Serena Hossleberg in Room 622."
He said, "OK give me minute to bring up that file..."
Ok here we are... Now, Mrs. Hossleberg is doing very well. In fact, she's had two full meals, her doctor says if she continues improving as she is, he is going to send her home next Thursday."
The woman said, "Thank God! That's wonderful! She's going home next Thursday! I'm so happy to hear that. That's wonderful, wonderful news!"
The guy on the other end says, "From your enthusiasm, I take it you must be one of the close family."
She said, "What close family? I AM Serena Hossleberg!! My silly doctor just won't tell me anything."
A ninety-year-old man is sitting on a park bench, sobbing, when a young man walks by and asks him what's wrong.
Through his tears the old man answers, "I'm just so in love with my twenty-five-year-old wife."
"What's wrong with that?" asks the young man.
Between the sobs and sniffles, he answers, "You can't understand. Every morning before she goes to work, she cooks me breakfast and kisses me and tells me she loves me ... at lunchtime she comes home and embraces me warmly, and then she makes my favorite meal. In the afternoon when she gets a break, she rushes home with ice cream, the best an old man could want. And then after a gourmet supper, she gives me a warm bath, and cuddles up with me all night."
He breaks down, no longer able to speak.
The young man puts his arm around him. "Oh, I think I see - I bet you just found out she's with you for your money?"
"No," the old man answers through his sobbing and tears, "I forgot where I live."
HELL ANALYZED
This was an "actual question" given on a University of Washington chemistry midterm.
Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)? Support your answer with proof.
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or some variant.
One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So, we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all people and all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for temperature and the pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until All Hell breaks loose.
2. Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Ms. Therese Banyan during my Freshman year, that "It will be a cold night in Hell before I sleep with you", and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in that area, then (2) cannot be true, and so Hell is exothermic.
This student got the only A.
Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven where they are met by St. Peter at the pearly gates.
St. Peter says "Ladies, you all led such wonderful lives, that I'm granting you six months to go back to Earth and be anyone you want".
The first nun says, "I want to be Sophia Loren" and POOF she's gone.
The second says, "I want to be Madonna" and POOF she's gone.
The third says, "I want to be Sara Pipalini".
St. Peter looks perplexed. "Who?" he says.
"Sara Pipalini" replies the nun.
St. Peter shakes his head and says, "I'm sorry, that name just doesn't ring a bell." The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter. He reads the paper and starts laughing. "No Sister, he laughs, this says 'Sahara Pipeline, laid by 500 men in 7 days'!"
An elderly woman went into the doctor`s office. When the doctor asked why she was there, she replied: "I`d like to have some birth-control pills."
Taken aback, the doctor thought for a minute and then said: "Excuse me, Mrs. Smith, but you`re 72 years old. What possible use could you have for birth control pills?"
The woman responded: "They help me sleep."
The doctor thought some more and continued: "How in the world do birth control pills help you to sleep?"
The woman said: "I put them in my granddaughter`s orange juice every morning and I sleep better at night!"
John Paul II in an interview:
"I went to America. They asked me: Why do You come to America?
I said: I come to America to polish my English.
So they said to me: Your English is polish enough!"
Jake the inventor is struggling through the air terminal with two huge and obviously heavy suitcases when a stranger walks up to him and ask "Have you got the time?"
Jake sighs, puts down the suitcases and glances at his wrist. "Its a quarter to six" he says.
Hay, that's a pretty fancy watch" exclames the stranger. Jake brightens a little. "Yeah, it's not bad. I've been working on it for months - Check this out" - and he shows him the time zone display, not just for every time zone in the world, but for the 86 largest cities in the world. He hits a few buttons and from somewhere on the watch a voice says "the time is eleven till six" in a Cape Cod accent. A few more buttons and the same voice says something in Spanish then Japanese. Jake continues "Ive also put in regiona accents for each city". The dislplay is unbelievably high quality and the voice is simply astounding.
The stranger is struck dumb with admiration. "Thats not all" says Jake. He pushes a few more buttons and a tiny but very high-resolution map of New York City appears on the display. " The flashing dot shows our location by satellite positioning" explains Jake. "View recede ten", Jake says, and the dispaly changes to show eastern New York State. "I want to buy this watch" Says the stranger.
"Oh,no, its not ready for sale yet; I'm still working out the bugs." "But look at this", and he proceeds to demonstrate that the watch is also a very creditable little FM radio receiver with a digital tuner, a sonar device that can mesure distances up to 125 meters, a pager with thermal paper printout, and most impressive of all, the capacity for voice recording of up to 300 standard-sized books. "though I only have 32 of my most favorites in there so far" says Jake.
"I've got to have that watch" says the stranger.
"No, you don't understand; its not ready"
"I'll give you $1,000 for it".
"Oh, no, I've already spent more that than--"
"I'll give you $5,000 for it!"
"But its just not-"
"I'll give you $15,000 for it!" And the stranger pulls out a checkbook' Jake stops to think. He's only put about $8,500 into materials and development, and with $15,000 he can make another one and have it ready for merchandising in only six months. The stranger frantically finishes writing the check and waves it in front of him. "Here it is, ready to hand to you right here and now. $15,000. Take it or leave it."
Jake abruptly makes his decision. "OK", he says, and peels off the watch.
They make the exchange and the stranger starts happily away. "Hay, wait a minute", calls Jake to the stranger, who turns around warily. Jakes points to the two suitcases he'd been trying to werstle through the terminal.
"Don't forget your hard drive and batteries".
Brain transplant
The patient's family gathered to hear what the specialists had to say. "Things don't look good. The only chance is a brain transplant. This is an experimental procedure. It might work, but the bad news is that brains are very expensive, and you will have to pay the costs yourselves."
"Well, how much does a brain cost?" asked the relatives.
"For a male brain, $500,000. For a female brain, $200,000."
Some of the younger male relatives tried to look shocked, but all the men nodded because they thought they understood.
A few actually smirked.
But the patient's daughter was unsatisfied and asked, "Why the difference in price between male brains and female brains?"
"A standard pricing practice," said the head of the team. "Women's brains have to be marked down because they have actually been used."
Mixed jokes:
A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'" "But why?" asks the man. "I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.
A very rich lawyer is approached by the United Way. The man from the United Way is concerned that the lawyer made over $1,000,000.00 last year but didn't donate even a cent to a charity."First of all", says the lawyer, "my mother is sick and dying in the hospital, and it's not covered by healthcare. Second, I had five kids through three divorced marriages. Third, my sister's husband suddenly died and she has no one to support her four children...""I'm terribly sorry", says the United Way man, "I feel bad about asking for money."The Lawyer responds, "Yeah, well if I'm not giving them any money, why should I give you any?"
TRAVELLER IN THE FAR EAST TRIES ORDERING BREAKFAST
Note: this story is about how two people using the English language build up
a fine example of miscommunication. Read it aloud to yourself, pronounce it
just the way this text is written.
Room Service: "Morny, ruin sorbees"
Guest: "Sorry, I thought I dialled room service."
RS: "Rye..ruin sorbees..morny! Djewish to odor sunteen?
G: "Uh..yes, i'd like some bacon and eggs"
RS: "Ow July den"
G: "What?"
RS: "Ow July den?..pry, boy, pooch?"
G: "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled, please"
RS: "Ow July dee baychem...crease?"
G: "Crisp will be fine"
RS: "Hokay. An San tos?"
G: "What?"
RS: "San tos. July san tos?"
G: "I don't think so"
RS: "No? Judo one toes?"
G: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'judo one toes'
means"
RS: "Toes! Toes!...why djew Don Juan toes? Ow bow singlish mopping we
bother?"
G: "English muffin!! I've got it! You were saying 'Toast'. Fine, yes, an
English muffin will be fine"
RS: "We bother?"
G: "No, just put the bother on the side."
RS: "Wad?"
G: "I mean butter...just put it on the side"
RS: "Copy?"
G: "Sorry?"
RS: "Copy...tea...mill?"
G: "Yes, coffee please, and thats's all."
RS: "One minnie. Ass ruin torino fee, strangle ache,
crease baychem, tossy singlish mopping we bother honey sigh,
and copy...rye?"
G: "Whatever you say"
RS: "Tendjewberrymud"
G: "You're welcome."
And now with subtitles, just to be sure...
Room Service (RS): "Morny. Ruin sorbees"
Room service Translation (RST): "Morning, room service"
Guest (G): "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service"
RS: "Rye..Ruin sorbees..morny! Djewish to odor sunteen??"
RST: "Right! Room service! Do you wish to order something?"
G: "Uh..yes..I'd like some bacon and eggs"
RS: "Ow July den?"
RST: "How would you like them?"
G: "What??"
RS: "Ow July den?...pry, boy, pooch?"
RST: "How would you like them? Fried? Boiled? Poached?"
G: "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry. Scrambled please."
RS: "Ow July dee bayhcem...crease?"
RST: "How would you like the bacon? Crisp?" [=kross]
G: "Crisp will be fine."
RS: "Hokay. An San tos?"
RST: "OK. And some toast?"
G: "What?"
RS:"San tos. July San tos?"
RST: "Some toast. Would you like some toast?"
G: "I don't think so"
RS: "No? Judo one toes??"
RST: "No? You don?t want toast?"
G:"I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what
'judo one toes' means."
RS: "Toes! Toes!...why djew Don Juan toes?
Ow bow inglish mopping we bother?
RST: "Toast! Toast! Why do you don?t want toast [!!] ?
How about an English Muffin with butter?"
G: "English muffin! I've got it! You were saying 'Toast.'
Okay, fine...Yes, an English muffin will be fine."
RS: "We bother?"
RST: "With Butter?"
G: "No, just put the bother on the side."
RS: "Wad?"
RST: "What?"
G: "I mean butter...just put it on the side."
RS: "Copy?"
RST: "Coffee?"
G: "Sorry?"
RS: "Copy...tea...mill?"
RST: "Coffee? Tea? Milk?"
G: "Oh,yes.. Coffee please, and that's all."
RS: "One Minnie. Ass ruin torino fee, strangle ache, crease baychem,
tossy singlish mopping we bother honey sigh, and copy ... rye?"
RST: "One minute. That's room twenty-three, scrambled eggs,
crisp bacon, toast and english muffin with butter on the side,
and coffee. Right?"
G: "Whatever you say"
RS: "Tendjewberrymud"
RST: "Thank you very much"
G : "You're welcome"
One Sunday morning, the priest noticed that little Anthony was staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church.
The plaque was covered with names, and small American flags were mounted on either side of it. The ten year old boy had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the priest walked up, stood beside the boy, and said quietly, "Good morning Anthony."
"Good morning father," replied the young man, still focused on the plaque.
"Father Murphy, what is this?" Anthony asked.
"Well, son, its a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service."
Soberly they stood together, staring at the large plaque.
Little Anthony's voice was barely audible when he asked,
"Which service, the 9:00 or the 10:30?"
The plaque was covered with names, and small American flags were mounted on either side of it. The ten year old boy had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the priest walked up, stood beside the boy, and said quietly, "Good morning Anthony."
"Good morning father," replied the young man, still focused on the plaque.
"Father Murphy, what is this?" Anthony asked.
"Well, son, its a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service."
Soberly they stood together, staring at the large plaque.
Little Anthony's voice was barely audible when he asked,
"Which service, the 9:00 or the 10:30?"
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