Mixed jokes:

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.

His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'" "But why?" asks the man. "I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.

---

A very rich lawyer is approached by the United Way. The man from the United Way is concerned that the lawyer made over $1,000,000.00 last year but didn't donate even a cent to a charity.

"First of all", says the lawyer, "my mother is sick and dying in the hospital, and it's not covered by healthcare. Second, I had five kids through three divorced marriages. Third, my sister's husband suddenly died and she has no one to support her four children..."

"I'm terribly sorry", says the United Way man, "I feel bad about asking for money."

The Lawyer responds, "Yeah, well if I'm not giving them any money, why should I give you any?"

---

TRAVELLER IN THE FAR EAST TRIES ORDERING BREAKFAST

Note: this story is about how two people using the English language build up
a fine example of miscommunication. Read it aloud to yourself, pronounce it
just the way this text is written.

Room Service: "Morny, ruin sorbees"
Guest: "Sorry, I thought I dialled room service."
RS: "Rye..ruin sorbees..morny! Djewish to odor sunteen?
G: "Uh..yes, i'd like some bacon and eggs"
RS: "Ow July den"
G: "What?"
RS: "Ow July den?..pry, boy, pooch?"
G: "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled, please"
RS: "Ow July dee baychem...crease?"
G: "Crisp will be fine"
RS: "Hokay. An San tos?"
G: "What?"
RS: "San tos. July san tos?"
G: "I don't think so"
RS: "No? Judo one toes?"
G: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'judo one toes'
means"
RS: "Toes! Toes!...why djew Don Juan toes? Ow bow singlish mopping we
bother?"
G: "English muffin!! I've got it! You were saying 'Toast'. Fine, yes, an
English muffin will be fine"
RS: "We bother?"
G: "No, just put the bother on the side."
RS: "Wad?"
G: "I mean butter...just put it on the side"
RS: "Copy?"
G: "Sorry?"
RS: "Copy...tea...mill?"
G: "Yes, coffee please, and thats's all."
RS: "One minnie. Ass ruin torino fee, strangle ache,
    crease baychem, tossy singlish mopping we bother honey sigh,
    and copy...rye?"
G: "Whatever you say"
RS: "Tendjewberrymud"
G: "You're welcome."

And now with subtitles, just to be sure...

Room Service (RS): "Morny. Ruin sorbees"
Room service Translation (RST): "Morning, room service"
Guest (G): "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service"

RS: "Rye..Ruin sorbees..morny! Djewish to odor sunteen??"
RST: "Right! Room service! Do you wish to order something?"
G: "Uh..yes..I'd like some bacon and eggs"

RS: "Ow July den?"
RST: "How would you like them?"
G: "What??"

RS: "Ow July den?...pry, boy, pooch?"
RST: "How would you like them? Fried? Boiled? Poached?"
G: "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry. Scrambled please."

RS: "Ow July dee bayhcem...crease?"
RST: "How would you like the bacon? Crisp?" [=kross]

G: "Crisp will be fine."
RS: "Hokay. An San tos?"
RST: "OK. And some toast?"

G: "What?"

RS:"San tos. July San tos?"
RST: "Some toast. Would you like some toast?"
G: "I don't think so"

RS: "No? Judo one toes??"
RST: "No? You don?t want toast?"
G:"I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what
  'judo one toes' means."

RS: "Toes! Toes!...why djew Don Juan toes?
    Ow bow inglish mopping we bother?
RST: "Toast! Toast! Why do you don?t want toast [!!] ?
      How about an English Muffin with butter?"
G: "English muffin! I've got it! You were saying 'Toast.'
   Okay, fine...Yes, an English muffin will be fine."

RS: "We bother?"
RST: "With Butter?"
G: "No, just put the bother on the side."

RS: "Wad?"
RST: "What?"
G: "I mean butter...just put it on the side."

RS: "Copy?"
RST: "Coffee?"
G: "Sorry?"

RS: "Copy...tea...mill?"
RST: "Coffee? Tea? Milk?"
G: "Oh,yes.. Coffee please, and that's all."

RS: "One Minnie. Ass ruin torino fee, strangle ache, crease baychem,
     tossy singlish mopping we bother honey sigh, and copy ... rye?"
RST: "One minute. That's room twenty-three, scrambled eggs,
      crisp bacon, toast and english muffin with butter on the side,
     and coffee. Right?"
G: "Whatever you say"

RS: "Tendjewberrymud"
RST: "Thank you very much"
G : "You're welcome"

---

One Sunday morning, the priest noticed that little Anthony was staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church.
The plaque was covered with names, and small American flags were mounted on either side of it. The ten year old boy had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the priest walked up, stood beside the boy, and said quietly, "Good morning Anthony."
"Good morning father," replied the young man, still focused on the plaque.
"Father Murphy, what is this?" Anthony asked.
"Well, son, its a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service."
Soberly they stood together, staring at the large plaque.
Little Anthony's voice was barely audible when he asked,
"Which service, the 9:00 or the 10:30?"